You have decided to separate. If you have children, the logistics of parenting needs to be smooth.  The children did not choose this. The adults in their life have made this decision.  If the parents handle this well, the kids will benefit.  They bounce off the parents.

If you do not have children in the home, then the adult children need to be told without involving them in the “he said, she said.”  The children, no matter what age, love both parents.

It is important for the financial support to be fair and dependable until the courts make a final decision regarding the assets.

Communication needs to be civil.  Everyone benefits especially the children.  At one time, you loved each other enough to marry.  You can certainly be grown up and behave as mature adults during the separation and divorce process.  You will feel better about yourself when you behave appropriately.

Get professional support instead of relying on your friends.  Friends tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear.

You have made your decision…

Packed your belongings and you are heading south of the border.

This is going to be fun.  You are part of a minority that has made the decision to live an adventure.

Every move a family makes is an adjustment, even if it is across town, but you … are moving to Mexico!  Your friends envy your courage… I guarantee that you are feeling an anticipation and adrenalin that is exciting.  I want you to keep this “high” as you settle into your new hacienda.

Remember, the first year is an adjustment year.

Most challenges will pass quickly and become great stories.  When you see a brilliant sunset in a sky free of pollution or you look at a pristine beach from your balcony, you forget the challenges and remember why you made the decision to move “south”.

As a Counseling Psychologist, I want to normalize the feelings that most people go through as they are adjusting to a new country.  I have lived in four countries but with every move, I still adjust.  Just knowing and expecting some adjustment makes everything easier.

Here are some tips that have worked for me and for others.  You will also discover your own tips that you can share with me.

Tip  #1  Take a supply of important things. 

I am speaking of items that are important for your health and well being.  By being prepared you save yourself some stressful moments.  Bring a 90 to 180 day supply of medications. If you have special dietary needs, bring a 6 month supply.  Over time, you will probably find everything you need or you will figure out how to substitute with what is available.  Remove the stress and give yourself time to figure everything out.

Don’t forget to bring comfort foods and comfort items. This helps with the adjustment as you are getting use to the foods, new beds and new surroundings.

Tip #2  Plan what you will be doing with all your free time.

Entertainment is important.  Bring plenty of books, magazines, games and hobby materials.  You will have more free time with less television, traffic and commuting.  By being prepared, you can work on that hobby that you never had time for.  You can read, write, explore… So try to have everything you need.

Tip #3  Document this amazing experience.

I highly recommend that you journal your first year.  Journaling is a tool that I recommend to everyone. Consider keeping a photo journal with a written journal.  Keep your camera with you at all times to capture the new sites of your new home. You might consider starting a web page or a blog so your family and friends can still feel connected to you.  It helps them to understand your new life when they can see it.

Tip #4  Start to learn the language immediately. 

Start learning the language even before you leave your home country.  Everything will make more sense and you quickly earn the respect of the locals.  Make it a fun family activity.  Label things in the house with the English and Spanish word.  You will get plenty of help when you have made your move.  We have found the Mexican people very helpful.

Tip #5  Celebrate the challenge.

Day to day living and food shopping will probably require some creativity on your part.  For example… we had a difficult time figuring out what dairy product was cream.  I love a good cup of coffee so after the first week, I went to the store and bought every item that could be cream and we had a tasting survey.  Do you know how bad sour cream tastes in coffee? After this experience, I know how to buy sour cream!

Tip #6  Never pass up opportunity. If you see it, buy it! 

When you find an item that you have been searching for, buy it and buy some more.  You may not see it again or at least for a while.  It is like a game.  When you see friends, your conversations often centers around who found what where…

It’s fun.  It is a bonding experience.

Tip #7  Stay connected to home…

Personal and family issues will feel magnified because you are not there.  Parents grow older, sickness and death happens.   By communicating with your loved ones on a regular basis, you can still be present in their lives.  Use video cams and conference calling (connect several family members or friends on the same call).  Get creative.  With skype® and computer to computer communication, this is affordable and often free.

This first year is an amazing year and it will pass quickly.  Pretty soon, you are the one telling someone where they can find a spectacular beach, or where they can get something dry cleaned.  Keep good notes and phone numbers for reference.  Ask questions, explore and keep a sense of adventure.  When you are losing your sense of humor take a break.  This is why you brought the comfort items.  Remember, if it was too easy, everyone would do it… you have chosen a life “outside the box.”

When you move abroad, whether you like it or not, you become an ambassador for your country.

Many of you have already experienced this.  You are walking down the street, doing you normal routine and someone says to you, “Congratulations on your new president”.   Another may say “We’re so happy for you” or “You must be so proud… we are proud for your country.”

I know this is happening all over the world.  Currently Americans have become a subject of pride and admiration in their host countries.  It feels good.  It has been a long time.  I was often met with these comments when Bill Clinton was president.  I had forgotten how much pride I feel when I hear these kind words.

Of course it is no credit to me.  But it is the reality when you live abroad; you’re an ambassador or a spokes person for your country.   It goes both ways.  You get the personal credit for the good things that happen and you will share the blame for the unpopular ones.

I am usually treated with politeness and respect but since 2002, I have experienced the downcast eyes and the look of unasked questions when I have told others, I am an American.  Of course they wonder where I stand on the sensitive issues:  The US refusal to sign the UN Convention Against Torture… The Kyoto Protocol…The establishment of detention camps…Guantanamo…The Cuban Embargo…the Iraq war.

During times like these, I unconsciously hide my passport at the airport to avoid “that look”.  I may speak English more quietly… It is okay for people to mistake me for an Australian or European.  I am not so quick to correct them.

But for now, none of this matters.  We can sit in the current glow.  The smiles are unrestrained and the eyes are genuinely happy. There are no unasked questions, only real admiration.  We’re the good guys… deserving to be world leaders. Whether it is right or wrong, many foreign citizens see the election of Barack Obama as a mandate for all that is good and just.

As an expat, being an unofficial ambassador is not always easy or fair.  But for now, whether I deserve it or not, I will gladly accept the handshakes, the hugs and the goodwill.  It’s a good time to be an ambassador.

Dr. Debi Yohn lived in Shanghai for 12 years and is one of the Founding a Mothers of LifeLine Shanghai.  She is an International Counseling Psychologist, speaker, mentor and the author of 5 books including “Parenting College Students: 29 Winning Strategies for Success” and “Losing Your Only”. If you would like to book her for a speaking event or for a private appointment, email her at debi@dryohn.com.  Check out her web site: CollegeWorks101.com; TheInternationalPsychologist.com, DivorceMediationWorldwide.com

By Dr. Debi Yohn

  You have made your decision…

This is going to be fun.  You are part of a        minority that has made the decision to live an adventure.

Every move a family makes is an   adjustment, even if it is across town but you … have moved to another country!

The first year is an adjustment year.  There are a few speed bumps that are avoidable and hopefully these tips will give you a  smooth ride.

As a Counseling Psychologist, I want to normalize the feelings that most people go through as they are adjusting to a new country.  I have lived in four countries and with every move, I still go through an adjustment.  Just knowing and expecting some adjustment makes everything easier.

Here are some tips that have worked for me.

Tip #1  Remember to bring Comfort Items 

I am speaking of items that are important for your health and well being.  By being prepared you save yourself some stressful moments.  Eventually, you will know where to go for most things.

Tip #2  Plan for your free time.

Books, magazines, games and hobby materials will have a larger place in your life.  You will have more free time with less television, traffic and commuting.  You can work on that hobby that you never had time for.  You can read, write, explore…

Tip #3  Document this amazing experience.

Journaling is a tool that I recommend to everyone. Consider keeping a photo journal with a written journal.  Keep your camera with you at all times to capture the new sites of your new home. You might consider starting a web page or a blog so your family and friends can still feel connected to you.  It helps them to understand your new life when they can see it.

Tip #4  Start to learn the language immediately.

Start learning the language even before you leave your home country.  Everything will make more sense and you quickly earn the respect of the locals. Make it a fun family activity.  Label things in the house.  You will get plenty of help from everyone around you.

Tip #5  Celebrate the challenge.

Day to day living and food shopping will probably require some creativity on your part.   You become a McGyver.  It becomes second nature.

Tip #6  Never pass up opportunity. If you see it, buy it! 

This is a great tip.  When you find an item that you have been searching for, buy it and buy some more.

Tip #7  Stay connected to home…

Personal and family issues will feel magnified because you are not there.  Parents grow older, sickness and death happens.   By communicating with your loved ones on a regular basis, you can still be present in their lives.  Use video cams and conference calling (connect several family members or friends on the same call).

Get creative.  With skype and computer to computer communication, this is affordable and often free.

This first year is an amazing year and it will pass quickly.  Pretty soon, you are the one telling someone where they can find a spectacular shop, or where they can get something dry cleaned.  Keep good notes and phone numbers for reference.  Ask questions, explore and keep a sense of adventure.  When you are losing your sense of humor take a break.  This is why you have a stash of comfort items (magazines, favorite foods, DVD’s).  You chose to come to a foreign country for the adventure.  If it was totally easy, everyone would do it. And it really is pretty easy…

(Note: Dr. Debi Yohn is a Counseling Psychologist in Shanghai.  She arrived in January 2000.  Dr. D has an elite private practice in the French Concession Area.)

As Expatriates, there are resources available on the internet such as ExpatFinder.com

This organization provides information on currency, insurance, off shore banking and property.

Our personal lives are affected by all the above.  When the small details are taken care of we are able to focus on our relationships.  When there are relationship issues in a foreign environment, often couples do not know what to do, so they nothing.  Over time, the small things become big things.  People then behave badly and the downward spiral begins.

Your marriage relationship is important.  Make it a priority.

1. Take care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually.

2. Be a responsible partner.  Carry your weight in the partnership.

3. Maintain honesty with open communication.   If you have made a mistake admit it.

4. Discuss issues.  They usually do not go away, they just circle back around and come back as bigger issues.

5. Seek professional help.  Friends tell you what you want to hear.  Sometimes that is good but it usually does not fix the problem.  An objective counselor will tell you what you need to hear.

Lets Talk

In August (2011) I became a Certified Florida  Supreme Court Mediator.

After living as an expatriate for 20+ years of my life, I was approached to mediate marriage separations, parenting plans and divorce settlements here in Shanghai.

We have a community of many nationalities and varied marriage situations.

By sitting down with a mediator, expensive hourly legal costs can be avoided. The couple works out the details with the mediator and then takes it to their home country, files the paperwork and its done.  The mediator does not give legal advise.  If there is a legal question, a lawyer is contacted for clarification.  If there is a financial question, an accountant or CPA is contacted for clarification.

Many lawyers do not understand the expatriate lifestyle.  When there are multiple countries, it gets even more complicated.  Some lawyers actually use mediators for settling divorces they are handling.

If you are thinking “Divorce” you may prefer mediating the settlement with a certified mediator.  A mediator with some experience working with couples and families may be a good solution.  It is Faster, Less Expensive and Less Painful.  Its just a thought…

Dr. Debi Yohn Coaches Individuals and Couples Shanghai China 2007 on, How to Thrive as an Expatriate.

Dr. Debi Yohn

Expatriates enjoy amazing lifestyles but everything comes crashing down when a partner has an affair.  Bad things happen to good people.  Sometimes the affair is a one time event.  Sometimes a partner discovers they are married to a “serial cheater”.

The discarded partner is faced with making a decision.  Do I stay or do I go?  And if I go, where do I go?

Get legal advise.  Before making any decisions or moves, get good legal advise from a lawyer familiar with the expatriate lifestyle.  This take some research and money but the information you will gather is well worth the expense.

Ask friends for referrals.  Look online.  Call the firm and ask questions, then make an appointment.  If you remain abroad and the lawyer is in your home country, set up a phone session.

Friends tell you what you want to hear.  A therapist will tell you what you need to hear. Contact a counselor so you can have the support you need.  I have often been the first call clients have made and I know I have made a difference.  The caller made different decisions when options were discussed.  Many discarded partners lose their power because they are so hurt and shocked.  Having a therapist to talk you is the beginning of taking your power back.

The Extramarital Affair is the most common issue faced by couples living abroad. Other issues include: feelings of abandonment during pregnancy, difference in how partners deal with a child’s illness or death, or past communication that has been hurtful and still remains unforgiven.

As a therapist I often hear the past revisited in session. A silent issue that has lain dormant just below the surface, rises to the top, especially when an affair has been exposed. Why does the past come back now?

Partners hold the past as weapons. When arguing, bringing up the past gives a partner a one up position. The pain from the past slowly presents itself as the individuals feel their power through therapy and the past rises to the top.

Therapy is the time to explore all that has been swept under the rug. Now is the time to deal with the hurts, clearing the way for forgiveness if that is possible. This is the time to speak openly and kindly.

An affair is a big wake up call to the marriage. Past history is important. Is this a pattern or is this a one-time event? When there have been multiple affairs, the trust is gone. A one-time event is a different situation. It is possible to take this event, learn from it and move forward better than ever.

As an expatriate it is important to get counseling that matches your culture. Every couple can benefit from good counseling even when they are not on the brink of divorce. Counseling gives you the opportunity to have someone objective lead you forward.

In a counseling situation, each partner behaves. The counselor can help you to hear each other instead of defending yourself. When you are busy developing your come back, you are not listening. The counselor helps you to hear each other.

If your partner will not participate in counseling, then you go. This is information for you. If your partner is not interested in counseling, then they probably are not interested in putting any effort into saving the marriage. This is information for you. You need to get strong and come up with a plan that works for you.

When you are considering divorce or separation, the first thing you need to do is Get Legal Advice.

For many expatriates their residency, their domicile, their place of residence will make a difference in their legal rights.  Some homework in advance will save a lot of time, money and tears.

If you do not have a lawyer or you are not in your home country, then do some internet research, ask friends and family for referrals and make an appointment for some legal advise.  Most lawyers will make a phone appointments so you can call back home to your home country for an information session.  Sometimes the first session is free but be prepared. Many good lawyers will charge for their time and you get what you pay for.